


Let Me Down Slowly

by shenala



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-28
Updated: 2019-07-28
Packaged: 2020-07-23 21:50:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20015329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shenala/pseuds/shenala
Summary: "If you wanna go, then I'll be so lonelyIf you're leaving, baby let me down slowly"The times Bucky leaves Steve, the time Steve left Bucky and the stuff inbetween.It's sad (duh) but there's a happy ending.





	Let Me Down Slowly

**Author's Note:**

> Watched this on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOLa4R--3Lk  
> and loved it, and then this happened.
> 
> The morse code link break: . -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. . translates to "end of the line"

> _"If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely  
>  If you're leaving baby let me down slowly"_

It was Bucky that left first and it certainly hadn't been a choice.

He hadn't wanted to join the Army, or spend weeks away from Steve at basic training. Or to come back to Brooklyn for one final night before shipping out only to find Steve getting beaten up in another back alley.

He didn't want Steve to look at him in his uniform like that or to hear him say, "I should be going." Because the truth was that the idea of leaving Steve and going off to war made him want to bury his face into a pillow and scream until his lungs ran out of air, and the only thing stopping him from doing that very thing was the knowledge that Steve wasn't going and that as long as everyone did their jobs right he wouldn't be enlisting any time soon. 

If basic had been the first time Bucky left, then he had even less choice on the second when he walked away from Steve at the Stark Expo, fear potent and roiling in his stomach. 

One lacklustre attempt at trying to get some sense into that thick blonde head, that he knew from many years of experience was a waste of time, "don't do anything stupid until I get back" started the same call and response that had flown between the two of them since they were teenagers "how can I when you're taking all the stupid with you?" And had they been at home Bucky was sure he would've succumbed to the need to hold Steve close and squeeze him as tight as he was safely able. But they weren't and with so many eyes on them he was restricted to a curt embrace that only left him feeling even more untethered. 

> _"Now I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace"_

If you asked Steve, he would say that from Bucky leaving for basic training through to him finding him in Azzano just counted as one incident, the time apart melding into a single block and then vanishing into insignificance as soon as they both made it out of the facility alive. 

When they eventually made it back to camp and it became clear that Steve wasn't about to be court martialed, the blonde wasted no time in escorting Bucky to the medical tent before wordlessly stepping in to take over cleaning and dressing his wounds when he flinched away from the nurse. 

They'd been quiet for most of the march back, too caught up in staring at the other in disbelief, but as he secured another piece of gauze the words found their own way out his mouth, "I'm still me y'know". 

While he kept his own gaze carefully on the task at hand, Bucky's head whipped up and he could instantly feel the heat of the other man's stare, the way he always had. 

A second passed before the rough, pained voice asked "what're ya talking about punk?"

Breathing a hushed laugh of relief at the familiar insult he raised his eyes to reply, "what y'said out there.. about Captain America. It's just a name Buck, I'm still me, just.. I don't know.. bigger." 

"Yeah and I'm guessing you're not 5 seconds away from dying on me anymore either, right?"

"I was never 5 seconds away from dying you jerk. But yeah Buck, all fixed, heart, asthma, ears, eyes, the lot. My spine is even straight." 

There was no doubting the authenticity of the smile that crept across the brunets face then, "what more could I ask for, huh?" 

. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. .

Despite Steve's best attempts Bucky refused to talk about what had happened at Azzano until they were in England. 

The rest of the team had agreed to join him back in the fight easily enough, their only demand being that he open a tab at the bar, and he was quite sure the SSR could afford that.

But he was privately nervous about what the Sergeant's answer would be. Bucky had been quiet and withdrawn since the first night back at camp, not surprising obviously but Steve wouldn't have blamed Bucky for wanting to go home and sit out the rest of the war. 

As he moved through the pub to where his best friend was sitting, the brunet curled a grin in his direction and stated with absolute certainty, "See? Told you.They're all idiots."

"How about you? Are you ready to follow 'Captain America' into the jaws of death?" came the question Bucky had known was coming.

And as much as he was sure of his answer, certain that there was no other option, not for him, he knew he didn't quite succeed in keeping some of the resignation out of his voice when he answered "Hell, no. That little guy from Brooklyn who was too dumb not to run away from a fight, I'm following him." so he tried to lighten it a little bit by asking if the outfit would be sticking around, inwardly congratulating himself as the tension visibly drained from Steve's body at the familiar teasing. 

It wasn't until later that night, back at the barracks, that Bucky finally gave some answers to the questions Steve had been trying to ask. Everyone else was already asleep, leaving just the two of them sitting next a fire to chase away the winter's chill. 

"I dreamt of you."

The pair had been sitting quietly for long enough that the sound of Bucky's voice startled Steve for a few seconds before he was able to respond with a not-particularly eloquent "what?"

Clearing his throat, more in an effort to buy time than to actually make his voice stronger, Bucky kept his eyes firmly on the table in front of them, "when they had me strapped to that table. I dreamt of you. I couldn't move more than to twitch a finger or toe and there was always more needles" here his voice broke before he steeled himself to continue, "but I'd grit my teeth and close my eyes and I'd think of you. About how you look so serious when you're sketching or the stupid faces you used to pull at me in class. Just little stuff y'know? And I was **so** angry with myself for not spending every second of my last night in New York with you, for not hugging you a bit longer or telling you all the things I never did. And then you were there. Thought I was dreamin' again, wouldn't have been the first time I thought you were standing next to me" he huffed a humourless laugh, "but you actually were there. Wasn't much in that place to make ya believe in God, Stevie, but Christ, your ma was right when she said you were an angel." 

Bucky wasn't sure what he expected Steve to say when he finished, but it hadn't been the question of "what should you have told me?" that came.

Seconds ticked by as Bucky kept his gaze averted and his jaw tightly clenched, every inch of body radiating tension, before Steve shifted almost imperceptibly closer, his eyes firmly on Bucky as he spoke, "s'alright Buck, let me be the brave one this time, yeah?" Despite the gentle touch, Bucky almost jumped out of his skin when he felt Steve's hand press softly against his own wrist, forcing the brunet to drag his own steel grey gaze up to meet ocean blue so he could nod and wait. 

Of the two of them Bucky had always been the one with words, Steve needed to be angry before things would flow smoothly, so it was really no surprise that he got straight to the point when it really mattered... "I love you Buck. And I think you love me too." He watched as the eyes across from him widened before their smiles grew in tandem. "Yeah Stevie, I do."

. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. .

It turns out that a war-zone is not the best place to try and transition a relationship from best friends to lovers, but they took their best shot at it. Time alone was scarce, privacy even more so, but they had found both allies and a family with the other Howlies and if the rest of the day they were limited to distanced glances and wishful thoughts they were at least guaranteed the solitude of their shared tent and the warmth of falling asleep in each other's embrace. 

The third time Bucky left Steve, it should've been the last. 

Driven by nothing but an ingrained instinct to protect Steve he had picked up the shield on-board that godforsaken train. He had felt the strangling fear as he hung from the carriage, desperately straining to grasp those artists fingers, gloved but unchanged by either serum or battle. He had recognised the moment he fell, he had seen those beloved blue eyes widen in horror as he plummeted away from the man that encompassed his entire world. And at some point in that swift descent that felt like a forever, he closed his eyes and waited for oblivion. 

It never came.

> _"This night is cold in the kingdom  
>  I can feel you fade away"_
> 
> _"And I can't stop myself from falling down"_

. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. .

In this strange new world that couldn't stop feeling empty, it took seeing Bucky standing in front of him for Steve to really feel something for the first time since he'd woken up. He'd felt pain, he'd had every cell in his body changed, he'd lost Bucky. And yet, somehow, what hurt the most was seeing the face that now only lived in his dreams (and often his nightmares) in front of him and not only not knowing who Steve was, but not knowing who **he** was. 

When Bucky left for the fourth time, it wasn't really Bucky, the Soldier just knew that he had to get away from the riverbank where the man, Captain America, no, **Steve** , was lying, before someone came to retrieve one of them. 

And as the Soldier walked away his stomach curdled with the wrongness of leaving this man behind, because he didn't know who _he_ was, but he knew him. 

. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. .

Months passed and every day more came back to him, memories of who he had been, memories of his family, memories of his time under Hydra's control, and of course, memories of Steve. As more of himself returned he found it increasingly difficult to stay away from the other man but the constant fear of hurting him, again, was enough to keep his distance. 

Then came the day when that choice was no longer his own, when he returned to his apartment to find Steve standing there, his journal in hand. 

His reasons for running, for staying away, were validated when Zemo brought back the Soldier.

> _"Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste  
>  I once was a man with dignity and grace"_

It wasn't until they were safely in Wakanda that Bucky really spoke to Steve about Hydra. He'd already made his guilt clear, no matter how much the Captain refused to acknowledge it, but there was something he needed Steve to know, just in case.

"I was always in there y'know."

Steve had been lounging next to Bucky on the expansive couch in their suite, trying to pretend he wasn't drawing Bucky, **again** , but now he gave the brunet his full attention, twisting to face him and leaving his face and body relaxed and ready for him to continue.

Grateful for the reassuring warmth that came from Steve's gaze, Bucky kept his own on his lap where his right hand rested. "I think Hydra meant to burn all of me out, but they didn't. I was still there. But it was like being in this cage, kind of like that glass box I was in, and I was banging and screaming but no-one could hear me. _I_ couldn't hear me. I could see what they were making me, making the Soldier do, but I couldn't stop it. I tried Steve, I swear I tried.." tears ran unhindered down his face as the blond slid closer and wrapped an arm around Bucky's shoulders before pressing a kiss to his hair. "It wasn't until I saw you that I could get through. I told them I knew you. So they put me back in the chair and wiped me again." Steve's arm tightened as he pulled Bucky almost into his lap. "But then I saw you again and I was screaming again and you were talking and then you said those words and it was like everything froze and then it wasn't just me in a box screaming, my whole mind was on fire. Like the Soldier was angry that you had been taken from him, from us. And then you fell."

Now their eyes met as Bucky moved fully into Steve's embrace, tucking his head into the crook of the taller man's neck. "I don't think it was a decision to jump after you, it was just the only option, didn't need to have my brain working properly to know that." 

The fifth time Bucky left, it was a choice, but one bred out of fear. He didn't trust his own mind, not with those trigger words still so clearly effective, and he refused to be the one to hurt Steve again. 

> _"If you wanna go, then I'll be so lonely_  
>  _If you're leaving, baby let me down slowly"_

_. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. ._

The sixth time Bucky leaves he's certain he would've burst into tears if he'd had the time before he turned to dust.

He hadn't wanted to fight again, but the simple truth of it was that if Steve needed him, he'd be there. So to be aware of his own disappearing as it happened, while having to watch Steve see it, was almost worse than falling had been. 

"Steve?"

> _"This night is cold in the kingdom_  
>  _I can feel you fade away"_

_. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. ._

After the battle had been won and the losses had been mourned, Bucky found himself being the one left behind this time. 

"Don't do anything stupid til I get back."

"How can I? You're taking all the stupid with you." Bucky smiled through the panic that was curling at the base of his throat. 

Just like that night all those decades before he wanted nothing more than to cling to the man he held all too briefly in his embrace, but once again it was not an option he could choose.

"I'm gonna miss you buddy."

"It's gonna be okay Buck."

> _"If you wanna go, then I'll be so lonely  
>  If you're leaving, baby let me down slowly"_

_. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. ._

As he stood just beyond the treeline and watched Sam talk to the man on the bench he almost missed the presence that moved next to him. 

"Ya miss me Buck?"

His head whipped to the side so fast that any non-enhanced human would've definitely received whiplash, staring in open disbelief before asking in a voice so flat it held almost no emotion save for an almost undetectable tremor of fear, "what?"

Steve, beautiful, strong, still blond, young and beautiful Steve, smiled at him before nodding in the direction of the lake. "Needed a shield to give to Sam, this version of me still had one and had to say goodbye to his version of Sam a while ago, so I asked him to do me a favour."

Still unashamedly gaping, Bucky eventually got enough sense back to speak, "I thought you were gone, then I thought you'd decided to grow old somewhere else and I.." his voice broke, cutting off any further words. Closing his eyes to stem the tears he could feel pooling there, he felt Steve's arms pull him close before lips nuzzled against his hair. "S'not the end of the line yet Buck."

They spent a few moments just breathing each other in before Steve chuckled, "wonder how you're gonna look grey."

Bucky snorted a laugh in response, "bet I get more wrinkles than you. All the shit you've put me through is bound to show."

Trying and failing to look affronted Steve laughed with him, adding, "I'll still think you're the most beautiful thing alive."

"Sap."

Turning to walk them away, blond met brunet as Steve pressed the side of their heads together, "pick somewhere to go on holiday when we've finished tidying up?"

"You want to go on vacation?"

"Yep. We've never had one. And no, Europe does not count, we were being shot at. Both times. And I think I'm gonna need to keep you extra close for a while."

Leaning up to place a gentle kiss to the hinge of Steve's jaw, Bucky agreed easily. "I've never wanted to leave you anyway."

. -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. .

**Author's Note:**

> The morse code link break: . -. -.. / --- ..-. / - .... . / .-.. .. -. . translates to "end of the line"
> 
> shenala.tumblr.com


End file.
